Sean

So. It's been a while, hasn't it?

This is a bit awkward.

I don't mean to go so long without blogging. It's been nearly a year. I'm beginning to think that it's a bit like quitting your job and trying not to impact your team. The saying is "well, there's never a good time to leave." See, I'm reluctant to blog when things change so much, especially if I'm unhappy. I'm not really sure why. Maybe I don't want to look back later and remind myself of when I was unhappy, or when I saw the world in a different (less mature?) way. Using that criteria, there's never a good time to blog. I should probably break myself of that mindset.

Maybe I just don't want to depress my readers. "Thank you both!"

A lot has changed in the past year and, if this becomes a more consistent thing again, I'll let you know some of what's been up.

I'm not great. I'm not that good at all. I mean, I'm not bad. I'm not in trouble or facing unaddressable health problems. But I'm definitely not a terrific person right now.

So, for now, I want to bury myself in music. I'm going to talk about it. In detail.

A lot.

Well, when I was watching The Tube the other day, I saw this KT Tunstall video for the song Suddenly I See. The video itself is kind of neat and she's very cute and expressive. And I think her first name is a recursive acronym!

Sorry Debbie, but I might not need that time machine after all.

Anyway, the song is catchy and I found I really loved certain moments in it. So I decided to spend some time understanding what makes me like it. It's true! I can't just enjoy something for what it is. I have to deconstruct it and understand it. I suppose I risk ruining the "magic" of something, but I have never regretted understanding and appreciating the details that must come together to create something interesting or compelling. With music, it usually starts with learning to play the song on the guitar. Each song that I learn I appreciate in a new way.

However, I'm definitely new to it. If anybody out there knows some music theory and can correct any mistakes I've made or offer alternate interpretations that make more sense, don't hesitate!

Thank you both!

I like the construction of each verse in Suddenly I See. The first two lines of each verse are lyrically similar and the chords alternate between D and D with bass C (D/C). It feels like we really aren't going anywhere musically: 

        D                    D/C                   D     D/C
    Her face is a map of the world is a map of the world

        D                     D/C                    D   D/C
You can see she's a beautiful girl she's a beautiful girl

It especially feels like she holds back some kind of change or momentum because this chord sequence is repeated twice as the song's introduction. This not only barely qualifies as two-chords, but the song is in the key of D major, which makes the D major chord the "root" chord. So far, the song "feels" firmly planted in the ground chord-wise. The melody introduces a quick rhythm, but the range of the tones remains pretty confined.  Interestingly enough, at this point in the music video there's a car cruising through a city which springs into existence spontaneously. The video is more dynamic during the parts where the song is busy making us restless.

The next few measures introduce a dynamic change in the song. The first 20 measures of the song have been either D or D/C and so now we're rewarded with a very catchy four-chord turnaround, repeated twice. Each measure gets its own chord and the melody begins to cover a larger range of tones: 

    G          A               F#m            Bm
And everything around her is a silver pool of light

    G          A                 F#m        Bm
People who surround her feel the benefit of it

Anyway, so far so good. She built up tension with the one chord being repeated and then pushed us through a quick turnaround. But what actually sold the song to me as far as the music goes is the next few measures which I found extremely catchy. The combination of chords, rhythm and melody is pretty perfect:

             G
It makes you calm

    Gm7                         D
She holds you captivated in her palm.

The song introduces and then resolves a couple kinds of tensions here. The first is rhythmic. After the 20 measures of the root chord, and then 8 measures of a chord-per-measure turnaround, we really don't know what to expect next. If anything, we might expect the momentum built up in the turnaround to continue on, giving us a new chord each measure. Instead, on "calm," we get the G chord for two measures.

In addition to that, the melody also takes a breather. Previously, each phrase in the melody is given at least 3 measures. But here, we barely get more than one. Once the G chord is hit, without chord changes or a melody, we're left with (the very musically appropriate) "calm" and we feel the rhythmic traction slide out from underneath the song. It's as if you were peddling your bike at full speed towards a ramp and then you take off and in mid-air you feel that lack of control and resistance on the pedals from the tires and the ground. But you know that one way or another, you'll be dealing with the ground again soon.

Another two measures of Gm7, which feels like an important but subtle change, remind us that the song is still moving, but the pacing is a bit uncertain. Our bike has hit the high point of the jump and is starting to fall while the wind pushes up against it. It's a cool feeling just before the very rhythmically interesting (and tightly scripted) chorus.

Another tension has to do with how the melody and the chords play against the key in the following verse. The G chord in the key of D is the IV chord, which is always an unresolved sound. That is, it feels like the song has to "go" somewhere else (perhaps eventually) when you're hearing the IV chord. This is illustrated well when she sings "calm." We know the song can take a step there, but it feels wrong to end up there permanently. It was the resolution of this sound back to the D chord and then into the chorus that I really was most excited to learn about and understand the song better.

When she sings "She holds you captivated in her palm," there's this feeling that she's leaning against and distorting the song's key and range of expected notes. It feels like the wind pushing up against you while you fall. It feels like something is being twisted musically.

I believe I've figured out why this happens. Again, the song is in D major. Here are the notes in a D major scale:

What's important to note is that if the song were in D minor, the F# would actually be an F natural. Now, that G major chord on "calm" fits within the key completely. However, the song begins to resolve that G major by using Gm7, which really doesn't fit so well in the key. Some of the notes in the Gm7 chord do not exist in the D major scale. Specifically, the A# instead of a B makes the chord into a G minor from a G major, and the F natural instead of the F# adds the minor 7th. The melody plays with that F natural in particular. 

Check out the F naturals during "She holds you captivated in her palm." When she's not singing the F naturals, she's singing either D or E. D and (to a lesser degree) E are both firmly in the key of D major. She alternates between notes that are strongly identified with D major and with the F natural outside of it. 

She's teasing us.

With both the chords and the melody emphasizing that F natural, the song violates the expectation of what we're used to in D major songs. And remember, the she already did a lot of work drilling into us that the song was in the key of D major with that root chord repeated so many times at the very beginning. However, we've all also heard so many songs play the IV7 chord (whether your realize it or not). So that F natural doesn't sound all that wrong. It sounds "bluesy."

But because of how it's constructed and introduced and used, there's an edge to it. It almost sounds like she's changing the key on us to D minor. It feels like she's leaning against and bending and twisting the foundation of the song she's diligently introduced so far as she weaves in and out of notes that are in the key and outside of the key. Sure enough, to reassure us of the key of D major, on "palm" we get an unmistakable D major chord--the root chord--to launch us into the chorus.

And our back tire hits the ground.

The words here are especially appropriate after looking at how the music here works. Just as "she holds you captivated in her palm," at this point in the song, we're transfixed to see how this sound gets resolved. Oh! And at that point in the video the cab totally drives up into her palm. Clever.

Another reason that this chord sequence is satisfying is that each chord is actually very similar in construction to the others in the sequence. Adjacent chords are only one half step apart for some notes while the majority of the notes remain the same. This is obvious while looking at the staff above. G and Gm are only different in that the B becomes an A#. Next, we resolve to the D major chord nicely because the F natural from the Gm7 finally steps up to F# after being in the spotlight for so long. The A# from the Gm drops to A natural. That's why we hear Gm7 as a "step" to get to D from G. They did sound a little out of place and tense, but those significant notes that sounded out of place were just equidistant baby-steps between two of the key's strongest chords--G major and D major.

The rest of the song works similarly but isn't nearly as interesting as the construction of the verses. The chorus uses a similar four-chord turnaround as in the verses. One interesting note about the chorus is that the repeated line is "suddenly I see" which the lead vocals sing in one rhythm, while the backing vocals sing the same words in another rhythm. The result is a neat counterpoint (a juxtaposition of rhythms that happen simultaneously). The two rhythms are linked by the fact that they share the same lyrics.

There's also a refrain in the song where it drops back into a very long repeating pattern of D and D/C (again) along with lines that also repeat. The repeated root chord builds up a kind of static energy that we also heard in the beginning: "The power to be. The power to give. The power to see. Yeah yeah!"

This launches directly into the final chorus which repeats until the end of the song. 

It's a fun song to play and sing along to!

I need to admit though, that I originally thought the song was a bit transparent as far as its meaning goes. Looking at the video you figure it's shamelessly narcissistic. She hops in a cab being driven by a clone of herself and they "make eyes" at each other during the words "beautiful girl." And then a giant version of herself picks up the cab and makes eyes at both of them.

Other parts of the video do this too. She keeps encountering herself and it's as if when she sees herself, both versions of her seem to say to the other "Oh my! Fancy seeing you here, beautiful. Come here often? Gnhah! Gnhah!"

"But she's easy on the eyes and the imagery is neat," I figured. I tried to get more out of the lyrics on my own, but I really wasn't able to figure out who the "she" is. Who is the subject of the song? I couldn't believe it is only about herself.

But seriously. She's very pretty. 

I figured it was about an introverted girl who knows a more extroverted girl and wishes she was more like her. But that's very teen-movie and didn't feel like it fit the bill. On top of all that, one of the song's most emphasized line is: "Suddenly I see why the hell it means so much to me."

Those are some unanswered questions. Who is "she" and what is the "it" that means so much to her?

Well I found out that the song is about how she views Patti Smith as her inspiration. Until I found that out, I wrote off the song as just a catchy pop-girl-song with some cool song-writing techniques that were within my grasp of understanding. But now I'm forced to lend this song a lot more weight. She is worshiping the person who illustrates for her why songwriting and performance are not just worthwhile, but imperative.  

Actually, that's not entirely correct. She's singing about a single moment where she realizes this. After all, it's Suddenly I See. I usually like songs about singular instances in time. Like The Beatles' I Saw Her Standing There, this song celebrates a moment when doubt and confusion and fear fail to coalesce because of some wonderful (and possibly, in the long term, tenuous) realization. Something fantastic and magical temporarily burns these negative feelings away as impossible irrelevancies.

After thinking about the song under this light for a while, I realized a couple of things. First, I don't think I've ever had this kind of moment in my life at least on this kind of "raison d’être" scale. I believe I've had it on smaller scales. When I say things like "That's why I love this band!" (at least spontaneously) something clicks into place. It happens a lot when I watch really good Star Trek episodes with Data. On the surface, some dismiss it as nerdy science fiction--and it certainly has that element--but when the show deftly uses Data to look at the human condition from without, this moment happens where I am reminded about how great the series was.

It's very much an "Oh yeah!" moment.

But what about the bigger stuff? Writing software definitely feels right as far as a way for me to work and express myself, but there's some gaps there in how that will work practically. Music feels right as well as a hobby and a passion. But I don't think I've had a real moment of getting "why."

Maybe I did but then forgot it. However, the song implies that it's the sort of thing that can happen at any time and it isn't a prerequisite to engaging in the expression or activity. That is, "why the hell it means so much to me" tells us that music and performance have already established themselves as important in her life. The revelation isn't what is important but an illustration around why it's important.

And how important is the answer to "why" anyway? I've always found "how" much more interesting and important.

It's humility--despite the video's seeming theme of light-hearted girly narcissism--because it's about recognizing your own potential in the actual accomplishments of somebody else.

The next thing I realized was that the concept here was a bit foreign to me. She sees what Patti has done and views it as an affirmation about her own similar goals. She looks at her black and white album covers and pictures in magazines and feels her looking back at her and supporting her. She nearly explores the fantasy of Patti encouraging her in person.

Actually, it's more significant than Patti encouraging her in person since it's happening through this almost supernatural kind of magic that happens through those album covers and magazine articles.  

But I suppose when it comes to art or being expressive, the closest I have to somebody I look at like that is John Lennon. Craig and Mom gave me a drawing of him for Christmas when I was 12 since I was such a huge Beatles fan then. And they knew that John was my favorite "because he was the funniest." And it's hanging in my apartment today. I imagine the same thing KT does about Patti; I imagine what he'd think about me and about my views on the world.

And I'm forced to arrive at the same conclusion that I've arrived at since I was 12 years old. If John Lennon were to meet me, he'd hate me.

We wouldn't get along, I don't think. He might be rather upset about being raised from the dead. The press wouldn't blame me, the responsible necromancer, but instead blame John for trying to show up Jesus again, even though things between Lennon and Jesus were probably just fine. I bet he plays a mean bass guitar.

But the details of being raised from the dead aside, I think he'd hate me. I think linearly, as shown above. I'm a left-brained engineer. I'm cautious. I work for a large evil company. I'm slow to pick up on original ideas, especially if they need to be generated by me. I'm really not that good at the guitar. I struggle with harmonies and my voice is brassy and brittle. My parents gave me the same name as his son, which is just plain awkward. I avoid conflict at most costs. And I am empathic towards perspectives other than mine to a fault. It makes my confidence and positions wispy and I float from viewpoint to viewpoint without actually landing anywhere--without commiting to the possibility of being wrong.

I've heard the song All You Need Is Love countless times in the past 15 years and it wasn't until recently that I began to look at what it actually means rather than the superficial hippie "groovy power of love" message. What took me so long? What takes me so long to think "outside of the box" or to even to just pay attention to the words? 

My idea of being expressive is engineering extremely structured blog entries about music theory. My mind is too exhaustive and explanative to really ever create something subversive.

People know I work for Microsoft just by looking at me. I'm a "suit" or a "square" or whatever and it's written on my forehead and he'd be able to tell instantly. He'd lecture me about the hypocrisy of making fun of the narcissism in the music video for an artist with the guts to stand in front of a crowd and say something while I write obnoxiously long and self-involved blog entries and practice the same chords in safety of my apartment over and over. Alone in my apartment. With headphones.

I shut the door too. 

I'd tell him that I've almost perfected I Feel Fine on guitar and he'd remind me that he wrote it in a day as a throw away song that just happened to be catchy. We would both agree that the feedback at the beginning is cool, though. :-)

Did you notice how he made eyes at the camera? Who's the narcissist now, Lennon?!

And worst of all, I'm just another Beatles fan. I'd ask him the same questions he's been asked over and over. It'd be the same questions I gather he was trying to get away from during the last ten years of his life.

Really, I'm just setting myself up for self-hate, though. Lennon is dead and therefore is a canvas. I can assume whatever I choose to about how he would view me and today's world. And the comparison between me and Lennon will never be flattering. After all, he was bigger than Jesus! It's a perfect and safe mechanism for me to use to criticize myself ruthlessly.

I do it to myself and I am very good at it.

The crux of all of that is this: I'm jealous that KT looks at Patti Smith and naturally feels an assumed mutual understanding and support. She sees Patti Smith and then sees what she could be and I look at John Lennon and then see what I never will be.

I admire that KT can do that and that she feels it so naturally and easily that the feeling can be distilled into a song.

But Lennon was bigger than Jesus. No matter how I slice it, it's an impossible bar. Maybe I need to look elsewhere for the kind of inspiration KT sees in Patti.

Hm. Do you think he'd let me try his Rickenbacker 325?

"Oh shits! This guy has got Uno!"

"Get your head out of your ass, PointySwords, with your draw four shit!"

"Oh shits! This guy has got the Uno again!"

"So close yet so far, just like my ancestors at the Mason-Dixon line."
"... What?!"

"PointySwords is about to win the game. What color do you think his last card is?"
"I dunno, but I'd say I think that little bitch is holding fuckin' blue!"

Great stuff at 3 am. I also got to play Derek in a few hands of it. It seems like most people who play it get hooked. I'm surprised and pleased about how well a simple card game can succeed. :)

You'll see that I added Jack to my list of blogs. I was inspired to do this since he wrote up a manifesto of sorts about shaving. You should read it.